Current mood:	pensive
Current music:	Neil Young - After the Gold Rush

Things better left unsaid
I'll say this: I'm more or less fine with my parents not knowing that much about me. I don't expect them to know my deepest secrets. But I'd be lying if I said that there doesn't exist a certain tension deep down. At the very back of my mind is the thought that I should admit one of my secrets to them. But how am I supposed to tell them something like this, something like "Mom, Dad...I want to become a monk"?

Well, monk probably isn't the best term to use. Mainly because I'm not a religious person. I have my set of beliefs, many of them spiritual in nature, but no religion. Anyway, I've started to realize that what seems to make me happiest in life is a life of strict discipline and self denial. I suppose you could say that my goal in life is to strive towards an ideal form of myself (that's humanism, right?). Except that my parents are entirely nonreligious, nor will they even discuss it. So how are they supposed to understand that my goal in life is to live a life of absolute purity in the wilderness somewhere away from civilization?

Which brings me to another point. Not only is it hard to tell people what my ultimate goal in life is, it's almost impossible to attain. Yeah yeah, I know, any ultimate goal in life should be difficult to attain, but let's look at other people. Most people go through life not even wondering what their ultimate goal is. But most people do strive for certain things--a well paying job, a mate, and so on. All these things are most certainly attainable within society. But how exactly does modern society accomodate a nonreligious monk? What is there in society that will aid me in striving for my goals? And why would I even expect society to set aside a patch of wilderness just so I can live my life? Bottom line is this: I'm sick of the fact that it seems I need society to bend or do away with it altogether if I want to accomplish my ultimate goal.

But back to my parents. Like I said, if I told them I doubt they'd understand. But not only that, they're also your stereotypical suburbanites, i.e. not all that willing to accept anything out of the ordinary. I mean hell, they already don't understand why I choose to be 100% honest with others or why I choose to be a vegetarian (technically I'm not a vegetarian but that's a different story). This is just something that I don't expect people like them to understand at all.